Reinventing your Life: 7. "I can't trust you", the mistrust and abuse life trap

Questionnaire

1. I expect people to hurt or use me.
2. Throughout my life people close to me have abused me.
3. It is only a matter of time before the people I love will betray me.
4. I have to protect myself and stay on my guard.
5. If I am not careful, people will take advantage of me.
6. I set up tests for people to see if they are really on my side.
7. I try to hurt people before they hurt me.
8. I am afraid to let people get close to me because I expect them to hurt me.
9. I am angry about what people have done to me.
10. I have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused by people I should have been able to trust.

Abuse is a complex mixture of feelings - pain, fear, rage, and grief. The feelings are intense, and they simmer near the surface. You may have volatile moods. You suddenly become very upset - either crying or enraged. You may space out and disassociate. Your emotions are numb.

Your experience of relationship is a painful one. Relationships are not places to relax and become vulnerable. Rather they are dangerous and unpredictable. People hurt you, betray you, and use you. It is hard to trust people, particularly the ones closest to you. Anxiety and depression are common. You may have a deep sense of despair about your life. Certainly you have low self-esteem and feelings of defectiveness.

Origins of the Mistrust and Abuse Life trap

1. Someone in your family physically abused you as a child.
2. Someone in your family sexually abused you as a child, or repeatedly touched you in a sexually provocative way.
3. Someone in your family repeatedly humiliated you, teased you, or put you down (verbal abuse).
4. People in your family could not be trusted. (They betrayed confidences, exploited your weaknesses to their advantage, manipulated you, made promises they had no intention of keeping, or lied to you.)
5. Someone in your family seemed to get pleasure from seeing you suffer.
6. You were made to do things as a child by the threat of severe punishment or retaliation.
7. One of your parents repeatedly warned you not to trust people outside of the family.
8. The people in your family were against you.
9. One of your parents turned to you for physical affection as a child, in a way that was inappropraite or made you uncomfortable.
10. People used to call you names that really hurt.

All forms of abuse are violations of your boundaries. Your physical, sexual, or psychological boundaries were not respected.

Abuse stirred sexual feelings and can make you feel confused and ashamed. You are not expected to protect yourself. Rather, your family was supposed to be protecting you. The feeling of not being protected is part of most forms of abuse. One parent abused you, and the other failed to prevent or stop it. They both let you down.

We all know what we should do when a stranger attempts to abuse us. We should fight back, we should get help, we should escape. All of these options become problematic when you are a child and the abuser is someone you love. At bottom, you tolerated the abuse because you needed the connection with the person. It was your parent or brother or sister. Indeed, it may have been the only connection you were able to get. Without it you would have been alone. To most children, some connection, even an abusive one, is better than no connection at all.

The abuser makes the child feel worthless. The abuser blames the child, and the child accepts that blame.

Abuse creates powerful feelings of defectiveness. It makes you ashamed of who you are. You are unworthy. You are not entitled to have any rights or to stand up for yourself. You have to let the person use you and take advantage of you. It feels to you as if abuse is all you deserve.

Dissociating may have been a way for you to remove yourself from the situation emotionally and just get through it. Dissociating also gives an air of separateness to an event - it seems to be happening separately from the rest of your life. 

One of the most common Counterattacks for the Mistrust and Abuse lifetrap is to abuse somebody else. The abuse sometimes becomes the abuser. Many victims of abuse who do not actually behave abusively do have fantasies of abusing or hurting people. You may lash out at other people sporadically. You may enjoy seeing other people hurt. You may be manipulative or insulting. 

Danger signals in relationships

1. he/she has an explosive temper that scares you.
2. he/she loses control when he/she drinks too much.
3. he/she puts you down in front of your friends and family.
4. he/she repeatedly demeans you, criticizes you, and makes you feel worthless.
5. he/she has no respect for your needs
6. he/she will do anything - lie or manipulate - to get his/her way
7. he/she is somewhat of a con artist in business dealings
8. he/she is sadistic or cruel - seems to get pleasure when you or other people suffer
9. he/she hits you or threatens you when you do not do as he/she wants
10. he/she forces you to have sex, even when you do not want to
11. he/she exploits your weaknesses to his/her advantage
12. he/she cheats on you 
13. he/she is very unreliable, and takes advantage of your generosity

You may find that you are most attracted to abusive partners. People who use, hit, rape, or insult and demean you - are the lovers who generate the most chemistry. 

Life traps in relationships

1. You often feel people are taking advantage of you, even when there is little concrete proof.
2. You allow other people to mistreat you because you are afraid of them or because you feel it is all you deserve.
3. You are quick to attack other people because you expect them to hurt you or put you down.
4. You have a very hard time enjoying sex - it feels like an obligation or you cannot derive pleasure.
5. You are reluctant to reveal personal information because you worry that people will use it against you.
6. You are reluctant to show your weaknesses because you expect people to take advantage of them
7. You feel nervous around people because ou worry that they will humiliate you
8. You give in too easily to other people because you are afraid of them.
9. You feel that other people seem to enjoy your suffering.
10. You have a definite sadistic or cruel side, even though you may not show it.
11. You allow other people to take advantage of you because "it is better than being alone."
12. You feel that men/women cannot be trusted.
13. You do not remember large portions of your childhood.
14. When you are frightened of someone, you "tune out", as if part of you is not really there.
15. You often feel people have hidden motives or bad intentions, even when you have little proof.
16. You often have sado-masochistic fantasies.
17. You avoid getting close to men/women because you cannot turst them.
18. You feel frightened around men/women and you do not understand why.
19. You have sometimes been abusive or cruel to other people, especially the ones to whom you are closest. 
20. You often feel helpless in relation to other people.

It hurts too much as a child to hope and be disappointed. You may do things to encourage partners to treat you badly and send out messages you are not worth treating well. You may swing to the opposite end and have a problem with aggressiveness. "The best defense is a good offense." Since you expect the other person to attack, you make sure you attack first. You do not notice that time passes and you are the only one attacking.

Changing your mistrust and abuse life trap

1. If at all possible, see a therapist to help you with this lifetrap, particularly if you have been sexually or physically abused.
2. Find a friend you trust (or your therapist). Do imagery. Try to recall memories of abuse. Relive each incident in detail.
3. While doing imagery, vent your anger at your abuser(s). Stop feeling helpless in the image.
4. Stop blaming yourself. You did not deserve the abuse.
5. Consider reducing or stopping contact with your abuser(s) while you work on this lifetrap.
6. If it is possible, when you are ready, confront your abuser face-to-face, or send a letter.
7. Stop tolerating abuse in your current relationships.
8. Try to trust and get closer to people who deserve it.
9. Try to become involved with a partner who respects your rights and does not want to hurt you.
10. Do not abuse the people close to you.

You did not deserve the abuse. Stop making excuses for your abuser. You were not at fault. You were a helpless child. You did the best you could under the circumstances. It is important to be crystal-clear on this issue. No child deserves to be abused. 

No matter what you were made to feel, the abuse did not happen because you were bad. That was a convenient excuse. Victimizers always devalue their victims. Awake from your feelings of defectiveness. Find the good child within you. Feel sympathy for this wounded child.

Get angry at the parent who did no protect you. Direct the anger away from yourself. Stop dealing with your anger in self-destructive ways. Use your anger to make you stronger.

You should have no shame about needing help. Reclaim the things that are rightfully yours - all the joys that are possible in supportive human relationships. The road out is long and difficult, but for that reason it can be one of the most rewarding. The road can bring you to what you have always wanted - to love and be loved.