Reinventing your Life: 9. "I don't fit in", the social exclusion life trap

The social exclusion questionnaire

1. I feel very self conscious in social situations.
2. I feel dull and boring at parties and other gatherings. I never know what to say.
3. The people I want as friends are above me in some way (eg. looks, popularity, wealth, status, education, career)
4. I would rather avoid than attend most social functions
5. I feel unattractive - too fat, thin, tall, short, ugly, etc
6. I feel fundamentally different from other people
7. I do not belong anywhere. I am a loner.
8. I always feel on the outside of groups
9. My family was different from the families around us
10. I feel disconnected from the community at large

The primary feeling is loneliness. You feel excluded from the rest of the world because you feel either undesirable or different.

Difference b/w Social Exclusion and Defectiveness. (One is external, other is internal)

The origins of social exclusion

1. You felt inferior to other children, because of some observable quality (eg. looks, height, stuttering). You were teased, rejected, or humiliated by other children.
2. Your family was different from neighbours and people around you.
3. You felt different from other children, even within your own family.
4. You were passive as a child; you did what was expected, but you never developed strong interests or preferences of your own. Now you feel you have nothing to offer in a conversation.

Sources of childhood and adolescent undesirability

Physical: Fat, thin, short, tall, weak, ugly, acne, physical handicap, small breasts, big breasts, late puberty, poor at sports, uncoordinated, not sexy.

Mental: Slow at school, learning disabilities, bookworm, stuttering, emotional problems.

Social: Awkward, socially inappropriate, immature, unable to carry on conversations, weird, dull, uncool

Social Exclusion Lifetraps

1. You feel different or inferior to the people around you. You exaggerate differences and minimize similarities. You feel lonely, even when you are with people.
2. At work you are on the periphery. You keep to yourself. You do not get promoted or included in projects because you do not fit in.
3. You are nervous and self-conscious around groups of people. You cannot just relax and be yourself. You worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. You try to plan what to say next. You are very uncomfortable talking to strangers. You feel you have nothing unique to offer other people.
4. Socially, you avoid joining groups or being part of the community. You only spend time with your immediate family or with one or two close friends.
5. You feel embarrassed if people meet your family or know a lot about them. You keep secrets about your family from other people.
6. You pretend to be like other people just to fit in. You do not let most people see the unconcentional parts of yourself. You have a secret life or feelings that you believe would lead other people to humiliate you or reject you.
7. You put a lot of emphasis on overcoming your own family's deficiencies: to gain status, have material possessions, sound highly educated, obscure ethnic differences, etc
8. You have never accepted certain parts of your nature because you believe other people would think less of you for them (eg. You are shy, intellectual, emotional, too feminine, weak, dependent)
9. You are very self-conscious about your physical appearance. You feel less attractive than other people say you are. You may work inordinately hard to be physically attractive and are especially sensitive to your physical flaws (eg. weight, physique, figure, height, complexion, features)
10. You avoid situations where you might seem dumb, slow, or awkward (eg. going to college, public speaking)
11. You compare yourself a lot to other people who have the hallmarks of popularity that you lack (eg. looks, money, athletic ability, success, clothing)
12. You put too much emphasis on compensating for what you feel are your social inadequacies: trying to prove your popularity or social skills, win people over, be part of the right social group, have success in your career, or raise children who are popular.

Changing social exclusion

1. Understand your childhood social exclusion. Feel the isolated or inferior child inside of you.
2. List everyday social situations in which you feel anxious or uncomfortable.
3. List group situations that you avoid. What makes you feel inferior? What is the worst that can happen?
4. List ways that you counterattack, or overcompensate, for feeling different or inferior.
5. Drawing on step 1-4, list the qualities in yourself that make you feel alienated, vulnerable or inferior. ex. drawing on differences instead of similarities is a problem.
6. If you are convinced that a flaw is real, write down steps you could take to overcome it. Follow through gradually with your plans of change. Use imagery as dress rehearsals of successful social situations.
7. Reevaluate the importance of flaws that you cannot change. Flaws pale compare to the person as a whole. Difference is appreciated. Find a balance between fitting in and expressing our unique natures.
8. Make a flashcard for each flaw.
9. Make a hierarchy of social and work groups you have been avoiding. Gradually move up the hierarchy. Stop escaping. Use positive imagery to practice performing well.
10. When you are in groups, make a concerted effort to initiate conversations.
11. Be yourself in groups. Having a secret is isolating.
12. Stop trying so hard to compensate for your perceived areas of undesirability. If you are ashamed of a certain situation, you may counterattack and try to prove people otherwise. Showing off is false. Don't try so hard to impress other people.

Sample flashcard

I know that right now I feel anxious, as if everyone is looking at me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. But it is just my lifetrap being triggered. If I look around, I will see that people are not looking at me. And even if someone is, it is probably a friendly look. If I start talking to people, in a little while my anxiety will grow less. People can't really tell I'm anxious. Besides, other people are anxious too. Everyone is a little anxious in social situations. I can start by relaxing my body, looking around the room, and finding one person to talk to.

I'm starting to feel different from the people I'm with. I'm feeling like an outsider, alone in the crowd. I am holding myself back, becoming aloof. But this is my lifetrap kicking in. In fact I'm exaggerating how different I am. If I become friendlier, I will find that we have things in common. I jut have to give myself a chance to connect.

The journey out of social exclusion is a journey from loneliness to connection. Try to see it in this positive light. If you are willing to apply these change strategies, you will find that there are many rewards. The ultimate reward is a satisfying social life. You can feel part of a group or the community. This is a vital part of life, of which you are now deprived. Why miss out in this way?