Out of the Blue

A story about workplace depression
from a women
of Chinese descent
living in Toronto.

The author highlighted a list of things I could resonate with. And its often the similarities we remember.

• Crying uncontrollably. There was a time where I cried every single day for a few month. I would have public melt downs when things got difficult. I couldn't put up a brave face. Every little thing became so difficult. 
• Unable to do the little things. I was afraid of getting phone calls from the insurance company. I was afraid of hearing anything from work. I was afraid of crossing the border every time I had a doctors checkup. I was tired of any social interactions
• No confidence. I didn't believe in myself anymore. How did I become this weak person when all my past experiences said otherwise. I didn't know who I was anymore. We are so often defined by what we do but not who we are. Was I still good enough?
• Struggle with Short Term Disability. The experiences were like talking to a debt collector. You are already in such a vulnerable state and the system is designed to eat away at the vulnerable you. How are you expected to get better.
• Lashing out a people. I felt the whole world had abandoned me. For god sakes even my body and mind has abandoned me. Left in no mans land to fend for myself every little thing that someone did or did not do was killing me. 
• Hypersensitive. I questioned everyones intentions. Couldn't they see how bad things were for me. Every comment telling me I didn't look sick, or you looked better, or I know so and so had the same thing and they are doing much better ate away at me. I just wanted someone to feel my pain. I didn't understand my pain. How could I expect my Doctor or parents or closest friends to. The healthy me had to learn to empathize with the sick me. 

The bias of looking for things to support our ideas. I heard a line recently from a debate show "QiPaShuo" from one of the co-host where I couldn't agree more. When we seek advise or opinion, we are meerly looking for evidence to support our already established point of view. It is similar to the phenomenon where I buy a new car, and all of a sudden all i see is my new car on the road. We somehow are programmed to see only the things we already see. So are we just looking for someone to confirm and agree with us?


From her story, it highlighted the effects of depression and the huge stigma society has on mental illness. But I am very envious of her.

Throughout her ordeal, she had her supportive husband, sons, sister, father, friends, doctors. She was financially well enough to see a psychiatrist, travel and make many trip. And in the end the company and union went to arbitration producing the desired outcomes for the author. Not many people are fortunate. Financial burden and unsupported family can cause people to spiral back into continuous depression.