Reinventing your Life: 13. "I feel like such a failure", the Failure life trap

The Failure Questionnaire

1. I feel I am less competent than other people in areas of achievement.
2. I feel that I am a failure when it comes to achievement.
3. Most people my age are more successful in their work than I am.
4. I was a failure as a student.
5. I feel I am not as intelligent as most of the people I associate with.
6. I feel humiliated by my failures in the work sphere.
7. I feel embarrassed around other people because I do not measure up in terms of my accomplishments.
8. I often feel that people believe I am more competent than I really am.
9. I feel that I do not have any special talents that really count in life.
10. I am working below my potential.

With the Failure lifetrap, the degree to which you use Escape as a coping style is often massive. People avoid developing skills, tackling new tasks, taking on responsibility - all the challenges that might enable them to succeed. Often the attitude is, "What's the use?" You feel there is no point in making the effort when you are doomed to fail anyway. You procrastinate, you get distracted, you do the work improperly, or you mishandle the tasks you take on. These are all forms of self-sabotage.

Origins of the failure lifetrap

1. You had a parent (often your father) who was very critical of your performance in school, sports, etc. He/She often called you stupid, dumb, inept, a failure, etc. He/She may have been abusive. (Your lifetrap may be linked to Defectiveness or Abuse.
2. One or both parents were successful, and you came to believe you could never liver up to their high standards. So you stopped trying. (Your lifetrap may be linked to Defectiveness or Abuse)
3. You sensed that one or both of your parents either did not care about whether you were successful, or, worse, felt threatened when you did well. Your parent may have been competitive with you - or afraid of losing your companionship if you were too successful in the world. (Your lifetrap may be linked to Emotional Deprivation or Dependence.)
4. You were not as good as other children either in school or at sports, and felt inferior. You may have had a learning disability, poor attention span, or been very uncoordinated. After that, you stopped trying in order to avoid humiliation by them. (This may be linked to Social Exclusion.)
5. You had brothers or sisters to whom you were often compared unfavorably. You came to believe you could never measure up, so you stopped trying.
6. You came from a foreign country, your parents were immigrants, or your family was poorer or less educated than your school mates. You felt inferior to your peers and never felt you could measure up.
7. Your parents did not set enough limits for you. You did not learn self-discipline or responsibility. Therefore you failed to do homework regularly or learn study skills. This led to failure eventually. (Your lifetrap may be linked to Entitlement).

Failure Lifetrap

1. You do not take the steps necessary to develop solid skills in your career (eg. finishing schooling, read latest developments, apprentice to an expert). You coast or try to fool people.
2. You choose a career below your potential (eg. you finished college and have excellent mathematical ability, but are currently driving a taxicab).
3. You avoid taking the steps necessary to get promotions in your chosen career; your advancement has been unnecessarily halted (eg. You fail to accept promotions or to ask for them; you do not promote yourself or make your abilities widely known to the people who count; you stay in a safe, dead-end job).
4. You do not want to tolerate working for other people, or working at entry-level jobs, so you end up on the periphery of your field, failing to work your way up the ladder. (Note the overlap with Entitlement and Subjugation)
5. You take jobs but repeatedly get fired because of lateness, procrastination, poor job performance, bad attitude, etc.
6. You cannot commit to one career, so you float from job to job, never developing expertise in one area. You are a generalist in a job world that rewards specialists. You therefore never progress very far in any one career.
7. You selected a career in which it is extraordinarily hard to succeed, and you do not know when to give up (eg. acting, professional sports, music).
8. You have been afraid to take initiative or make decisions independently at work, so you were never promoted to more responsible positions.
9. You feel that you are basically stupid or untalented, and therefore feel fraudulent, even though objectively you have been quite successful.
10. You minimize your abilities and accomplishments, and exaggerate your weaknesses and mistakes. You end up feeling like a failure, even though you have been as successful as your peers.
11. You have chosen successful men/women as partners in relationships. You live vicariously through their success while not accomplishing much yourself.
12. You try to compensate for your lack of achievement or work skills by focusing on other assets (eg. Your looks, charm, youthfulness, sacrificing for others). But underneath you still feel like a failure.

Excelling in other roles is a way of compensating for the lifetrap. Men might excel in sports or seducing women; women might excel in their looks or ability to give to others. 

Changing your failure lifetrap

1. Assess whether your feeling of failure is accurate or distorted.
2. Get in touch with the child inside of you who felt, and still feels, like a failure.
3. Help your inner child see taht you were treated unfairly.
4. Become aware of your talents, skills, abilities, and accomplishments in the area of achievement.

If you have, in fact, failed relative to your peers:

1. Try to see the pattern in your failures.
2. Once you see your pattern, make a plan to change it. Acknowledge your real talents, accept your limitations, and pursue areas that play on your strengths. Starting is the hardest part. After that it will become easier.
3. Make a flashcard to overcome your blueprint for failure. Follow your plan, step-by-step.
4. Involve your loved ones in the process.

Sample Failure Flashcard

Right now I am filled with feelings of failure. This is a familiar feeling. I have felt it all my life. All my life I have avoided taking chances to become a success. All my life I have ignored my design potential even though teachers pointed it out and I did well in these kinds of classes and enjoyed them. Instead I kept setting myself up to fail by going after things I wasn't good at.

My avoidance developed when I was sick and lonely as a child. When I fell behind, no one helped me to catch up. No one noticed. Running away helped me cope as a child, but it isn't helping me now.

But now I'm on track. I'm trying to become a set designer. I have a good chance to succeed. I just have to keep myself focused on my path and on the fact that I'm making progress.

Don't start avoiding again. That leads only back to failure. What is my next step? This is what I should be doing. Working on taking my next step.


The Failure lifetrap is one of the most rewarding to overcome. A whole area of life that is now fraught with shame and tension can become a source of self-esteem. But you have to be willing to fight. You have to be willing to close off your escapes and capitalize on your strengths.