Reinventing your Life: 14. "I always do it your way!", the Subjugation life trap

Subjugation questionnaire

1. I let other people control me.
2. I am afraid that if I do not give in to other people's wishes they will retaliate, get angry, or reject me.
3. I feel the major decisions in my life were not really my own.
4. I have a lot of trouble demanding that other people respect my rights.
5. I worry a lot about pleasing people and getting their approval.
6. I go to great lengths to avoid confrontations.
7. I give more to other people than I get back in return.
8. I feel the pain of other people deeply, so I usually end up taking care of the people I'm close to.
9. I feel guilty when I put myself first.
10. I am a good person because I think of others more than of myself.

You experience the world in terms of control issues. Other people in your life always seem to be in control - you feel controlled by the people around you. At the core of your subjugation is the conviction that you must please others, that you must please parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teachers, lovers, spouses, bosses, coworkers, children, and even strangers. The only person you do not feel obliged to please - is yourself.

You feel trapped in your life. It is constantly meeting the needs of others with so much responsibility. Life loses its joy and freedom. You are passive. Life happens to you.

Two types of subjugation

1. Self-sacrifice (subjugation out of guilt, want to relieve the pains of others)
2. Submissiveness (subjugation out of fear, anticipate rejection, retaliation, or abandonment)

At one time, your subjugation really was involuntary: as a child. A child cannot withstand the threat of punishment or abandonment. But as an adult, you are no longer dependent and helpless. As an adult, you have a choice.

When your needs constantly are frustrated, anger is inevitable. You might feel you are used or controlled, or people are taking advantage of you, or you might feel your needs do not count.

Anger is a vital part of healthy relationships. It is a signal that something is wrong - that the other person may be doing something unfair. Ideally, anger motivates us to become more assertive and correct the situation. When anger produces this effect, it is adaptive and helpful. 

Although there may be times when you display your anger directly, it is more common for you to express it indirectly, in a disguised fashion - passive-aggressively. You get back at people in subtle ways, like procrastinating, being late, or talking about them behind their backs. 

passive-aggressive behaviors - procrastinating, talking behind other people's backs, agreeing to do something and not following through, making excuses - all share the feature that they irritate other people, but it is difficult for other people to know whether the passive-aggressive person intends the irritation. Until you become more assertive, anger will continue to be a significant problem for you, even if you are not always aware of its harmful consequences.

Some people with subjugation learn to cope through counterattack. They become aggressive and domineering. By rebelling, they overcompensate for their feelings of subjugation. Rebels are not actually any more free than other subjugated people. They do not freely choose their interests or relationships; choices are made for them by the people they are rebelling against. "Why did the teenagers cross the road?" - "Because somebody told them not to"

You may have suppressed your own needs so often that you are no longer aware of what they are. You may have great difficulty identifying your own feelings and finds many of your inner states confusing.

Origins of the subjugation lifetrap

1. Your parents tried to dominate or control almost every aspect of your life.
2. Your parent(s) punished, threatened, or got angry at you when you would not do things their way.
3. Your parent(s) withdrew emotionally or cut off contact with you if you disagreed with them about how to do things.
4. Your parent(s) did not allow you to make your own choices as a child.
5. Because your mother/father was not around enough, or was not capable enough, you ended up taking care of the rest of the family.
6. Your parent(s) always talked to you about their personal problems, so that you were always in the role of listener.
7. Your parent(s) made you feel guilty or selfish if you would not do what they wanted.
8. Your parent(s) were like martyrs or saints - they selfessly took care of everyone else and denied their own needs.
9. You did not feel that your rights, needs, or opinions were respected when you were a child.
10. You had to be very careful about what you did or said as a child, because you worried about your mother's/father's tendency to become worried or depressed.
11. You often felt angry at your parent(s) for not giving you the freedom that other children had.

Danger signals in potential partners

1. Your partner is domineering and expects to have things his/her way.
2. Your partner has a very strong sense of self and knows exactly what he/she wants in most situations.
3. Your partner becomes irritated or angry when you disagree or attend to your own needs.
4. Your partner does not respect your opinions, needs, or rights.
5. Your partner pouts or pulls away from you when you do things your way.
6. Your partner is easily hurt or upset, so you feel you have to take care of him/her.
7. You have to watch what you do or say carefully because your partner drinks a lot or has a bad temper.
8. Your partner is not very competent or together, so you end up having to do a lot of the work.
9. Your partner is irresponsible or unreliable, so you have to be overly responsible and reliable.
10. You let your partner make most of the choices because most of the time you do not feel strongly one way or the other.
11. Your partner makes you feel guilty or accuses you of being selfish when you ask to do something your way.
12. Your partner becomes sad, worried, or depressed easily, so you end up doing most of the listening.
13. Your partner is very needy and dependent on you.

Subjugation lifetrap

1. You let other people have their own way most of the time.
2. You are too eager to please - you will do almost anything to be liked or accepted.
3. You do not like to disagree openly with other people's opinions.
4. You are more comfortable when other people are in position of control.
5. You will do almost anything to  avoid confrontation or anger. You always accommodate.
6. You do not know aht you want or prefer in many situations.
7. You are not clear about your career decisions.
8. You always end up taking care of everyone else - almost no one listens to or takes care of you.
9. You are rebellious  - you automatically say "no" when other people tell you what to do.
10. You cannot stand to say or do anything that hurts other people's feelings.
11. You often stay in situations where you feel trapped or where your needs are not met.
12. You do not want other people to see you as selfish so you go to the other extreme.
13. You often sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people.
14. You often take on more than your share of responsibilities at home and/or at work.
15. When other people are troubled or in pain, you try very hard to make them feel better, even at your own expense.
16. You often feel angry at other people for telling you what to do.
17. You often feel cheated - that you are giving more than you are getting back.
18. You feel guilty when you ask for what you want.
19. You do not stand up for your rights.
20. You resist doing what other people want you to do in an indirect way. You procrastinate, make mistakes, and make excuses.
21. You cannot get along with authority figures.
22. You cannot ask for promotions or raises at work.
23. You feel that you lack integrity - you accommodate too much.
24. People tell you that you are not aggressive or ambitious enough.
25. You play down your accomplishments.
26. You have trouble being strong in negotiations.

If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.

Subjugated people often work in one of the helping professions, particularly if they are self-sacrificing. You may be a doctor, nurse, homemaker, teacher, minister, therapist, or other kind of healer. one of the gifts of subjugation is acute sensitivity to the needs and pain of others.

Changing your subjugation lifetrap

1. Understand your childhood subjugation. Feel the subjugated child inside of you.
2. List everyday situations at home and at work in which you subjugate or sacrifice your own needs to others.
3. Start forming your own preferences and opinions in many aspects of your life: movies, foods, leisure time, politics, current controversial issues, time usage, etc. Learn about yourself and your needs. Make yourself the source of your opinions, not the people around you.
4. Make a list of what you do or give to others, and what they do or give to you. How much of the time do you listen to others? How much of the time do they listen to you?
5. Stop behaving passive-aggressively. Push yourself systematically to assert yourself - express what you need or want. Start with easy requests first.
6. Practice asking other people to take care of you. Ask for help. Discuss your problems. Try to achieve a balance between what you give and get.
7. Pull back from relationships with people who are too self-centered or selfish to take your needs into account. Avoid one-sided relationships. Change or get out of relationships where you feel trapped.
8. Practice confronting people instead of accommodating so much. Express your anger appropriately, as soon as you feel it. Learn to feel more comfortable when someone is upset, hurt or angry at you.
9. Do not rationalize your tendency to please others so much. Stop telling yourself that it doesn't really matter. Weigh the positives and negatives to decide which you prefer. Make a choice and communicate that choice.
10. Review past relationships and clarify your pattern of choosing controlling or needy partners. List the danger signals for you to avoid. If possible, avoid selfish, irresponsible, or dependent partners who generate very high chemistry for you.
11. When you find a partner who cares about your needs, ask your opinions and values them, and who is strong enough to do 50% of the work, give the relationship a chance.
12. Be more aggressive at work. Take credit for what you do. Do not let other people take advantage of you. Ask for any promotions or raises you might be entitled to get. Delegate responsibilities to other people.
13. (To the Rebel) Try to resist doing the opposite of what others tell you to do. Try to figure out what you want, and do it even if it is consistent with what authority figures tell you. Be more assertive instead of more aggressive.
14. Make flashcards. Use them to keep you on track.

The best way to feel the subjugated child is through imagery. Start with an instance in your current life, and try to remember far back into childhood. Do not force the image to come. Who were you with? Was it your mother or father? Was it your brother, sister, or a friend? Your anger is part of your healthy side. It serves a useful purpose. It may be your only clue that there is something else that you want.

Examples on steps to "un-subjugate"

1. Tell the paper boy to bring the paper to the door when it's raining.
2. Tell a salesperson I don't want help.
3. Don't give my children any more money than their allowance.
4. Ask Dennis to drive the children to school on mornings of my class.
5. Tell Dad he can't criticize the kids anymore in my presence.
6. Take a full day for myself. Do things I enjoy, like shopping, reading in the park, seeing my friends, etc.
7. Tell friend I am angry she is not pulling her share of the kids' carpool.
8. Tell Dennis how I feel when he criticizes me in front of other people.
9. Tell Dennis it is not acceptable for him to criticize me in front of other people when I haven't done anything wrong.
10. State my preferences instead of just giving in to others.

Work on each item on your list starting from the easier ones. Your goal is to complete each item. Do not get defensive when the other person attacks you. Do not get lost in defending yourself. Stick to your point. Be direct. Do not make a speech. No one can argue with your feelings. State how you feel.

Changing the way you behave with someone changes the way you feel about them. It is hard to remain intimidated after you have dealt with someone assertively. Changing your behavior changes the way you think and feel about yourself. Positive behavior change creates self-confidence and self-esteem. It builds a sense of mastery.

Whatever the other person does, keep calmly restating your position. Do not let the other person trick you into becoming defensive. Stick to your point. Stay calm. Do not yell and scream. You are more powerful when you are clam than when you are screaming. Screaming is a sign of psychological defeat. Try not to attack the person. Simply state what they have done that has upset you.

Start by saying something positive and true. People can only listen when they are in a receptive state. Direct your criticism not at the person, but at the person's behavior. Be assertive in your words, body language and tone of voice. Look the person directly in the eye.

Subjugated people frequently give up too soon on good relationships, claiming they are just not interested, the relationship does not feel right, something is missing, or there is not enough chemistry. As long as you feel some chemistry - even a moderate amount - give the relationship a chance. As you become more accustomed to your new role, the chemistry might increase.

Sample self-sacrifice Flashcard

I have the right to say "no" when people ask me to do unreasonable things. If I say "yes", I will only get angry at the other person and at myself. I can live with the guilt of saying "no". Even if I cause the other person a little pain, it will only be temporary. People will respect me if I say "no" to them. And I will respect myself.

Sample Submission Flashcard

What I want is important. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don't have to let Dennis treat me badly. I deserve better than that. I can stand up for myself. I can calmly demand that he treat me with respect or the discussion is over. If he can't grow enough to give me my equal rights in this relationship, then I can leave the relationship and find one that better suits my needs.

Give yourself credit when it is due. Change is much harder when you forget to reward yourself for the steps along the way. Try to keep looking back at how far you have come, rather than looking forward to how you have to go. When you make any change, no matter how small, take a moment to feel good about it. 

Subjugation feels right to you. Your lifetrap is central to your entire self-image and view of the world. It is going to fight very hard for survival. You find comfort and reassurance in holding onto your lifetrap, regardless of its negative consequences for your life. You should not be discouraged because change is slow.