Reinventing your Life: 15. "It's never quite good enough", the unrelenting standards life trap

unrelenting standards questionnaire

1. I cannot accept second best. I have to be the best at most of what I do.
2. Nothing I do is quite good enough.
3. I strive to keep everything in perfect order.
4. I must look my best at all times.
5. I have so much to accomplish that I have no time to relax.
6. My personal relationships suffer because I push myself so hard.
7. My health suffers because I put myself under so much pressure.
8. I deserve strong criticism when I make a mistake.
9. I am very competitive.
10. Wealth and status are very important to me.

The primary feeling is pressure. You can never relax and enjoy life. You are always pushing to get ahead.

Physical stress such as IBS and headaches are common. You might have high blood pressure, ulcers, colitis, insomnia, fatigue, panic attacks, heart arrhythmias, obesity, back pain, skin problems, arthritis, asthma, etc. 

For you, life is only doing. Life is having to work or achieve all the time. You feel constantly frustrated and irritated with yourself for not meeting your standards. You may feel chronically angry, with high levels of anxiety. A major anxiety is time.

Three types of unrelenting standards

1. Compulsive. Everything has to be perfect. Your surroundings are disappointing or you may blame yourself for your surroundings. Need to feel in control. 
2. Achievement Orientated. Workaholic. Any form of activity that you turn into work and enslaves you.
3. Status Oriented. Excessive emphasis on gaining recognition, status, wealth, beauty - a false self.

The origins of unrelenting standards

1. Your parent's love for you was conditional on your meeting high standards.
2. One or both parents were models of high, unbalanced standards.
3. Your unrelenting standards developed as a way to compensate for feelings of defectiveness, social exclusion, deprivation, or failure.
4. One or both parents used shame or criticism when you failed to meet high expectations.

Unrelenting Standard Life traps

1. Your health is suffering because of daily stresses, such as over work - not only because of unavoidable life events.
2. The balance between work and pleasure feels lopsided. Life feels like constant pressure and work without fun.
3. Your whole life seems to revolve around success, status, and material things. You seem to have lost touch with your basic self and no longer know what really makes you happy.
4. Too much of your energy goes into keeping your life in order. You spend too much time keeping lists, organizing your life, planning, cleaning, and repairing, and not enough time being creative or letting go.
5. Your relationships with other people are suffering because so much time goes into meeting your own standards - working, being successful, etc.
6. You make other people feel inadequate or nervous around you because they worry about not being able to meet your high expectations of them.
7. You rarely stop and enjoy successes. You rarely savor a sense of accomplishment. Rather, you simply go on to the next task waiting for you.
8. You feel overwhelmed because you are trying to accomplish so much; there never seems to be enough time to complete what you have started.
9. Your standards are so high that you view many activities as obligations or ordeals to get through, instead of enjoying the process itself.
10. You procrastinate a lot. Because your standards make many tasks feel overwhelming, you avoid them.
11. You feel irritated or frustrated a lot because things and people around you do not meet your high standards.

You lose touch with your natural self. You are so focused on order, achievement, or status that you do not attend to your basic physical, emotional, and social needs.

You may want the perfect partner and be unable to settle for less. Once you are in a relationship, you can be extremely critical and demanding. You expect others (especially those closest to you) to live up to your standards. Without realizing it, you probably devalue them for not meeting the standards you set. These standards do not seem high to you, you feel your expectations are normal and justified.

You may be attracted to perfectionist partners or partners who are the opposite, relaxed and easygoing. 

Changing Unrelenting Standards

1. List the areas in which your standards may be unbalanced or unrelenting. (keeping things in order, cleanliness, work, money, creature comforts, beauty, athletic performance, popularity, status, fame, etc)
2. List the advantages of trying to meet these standards on a daily basis.
3. List the disadvantages of pushing so hard in these areas.
4. Try to conjure an image of what your life would be like without these pressures.
5. Understand the origins of your lifetrap.
6. Consider what the effects would be if you lowered your standards about 25 percent. You have to learn that it is possible to do something 80% or 70% and still do a very good job. Between perfection and failure there is a whole gray area.
7. Try to quantify the time you devote to maintaining your standards. Consider how important the goal is to your overall happiness, then allocate the most time to the areas of your life that are most important. Allot a reasonable amount of time to complete each task; then accept whatever level of achievement you have attained at the end of that time period.
8. Try to determine what reasonable standards are by getting a consensus or objective opinion from people who seem more balanced.
9. Gradually try to change your schedule or alter your behavior in order to get your deeper needs met. Learn to delegate.

Sample Advantages of unrelenting standards

1. I can buy what I want.
2. I feel special.
3. People are jealous of me and want what I have.
4. I can have almost any woman I want.
5. I move in desirable social circles
6. I make a lot of money
7. I am almost at the top of my field
8. I have won awards and prizes
9. My house looks almost perfect most of the time.
10. My house runs in an orderly way.
11. My performance level is high.

what good is a spotless house when you are running yourself ragged to keep it that way and resenting everyone who gets in your way? What good is a top-level job when it leaves no time in your life for pleasure and love? what good are your creature comforts when you are too exhausted to enjoy them?

Sample disadvantages of unrelenting standards

1. I am physically exhausted.
2. I don't have any fun
3. My marriage is suffering
4. I put too much pressure on my children. I don't enjoy being with my children. They seem afraid of me.
5. I've let a lot of close friendships go
6. I don't have any time for myself
7. My health is suffering
8. I am not happy.

Sample flashcard

I can lower my standards without having to feel like a failure. I can do things moderately well, feel good about them, and not have to keep trying to perfect them."

Let go of your need for perfect order, achievement, or status in exchange for a higher quality of life and more fulfilling emotional relationships with the people you love.