Reinventing your Life: 3. Understanding Life Traps

Recognizing life traps
They are lifelong patterns or themes
They are self-destructive
They struggle for survival

Possible dimensions of temperament
Shy -> Outgoing
Passive -> Aggressive
Emotionally Flat -> Emotionally Intense
Anxious -> Fearless
Sensitive -> Invulnerable

Examples of destructive early environments
1. One of your parents was abusive, and the other was passive and helpless.
2. Your parents were emotionally distant and had high expectations for achievement.
3. Your parents fought all the time. You were caught in the middle.
4. One parent was sick or depressed and the other was absent. You became the caretaker.
5. You became enmeshed with a parent. You were expected to act as a substitute spouse.
6. A parent was phobic and overprotected you. This parent was afraid to be alone and clung to you.
7. Your parents criticized you. Nothing was ever good enough.
8. Your parents overindulged you. They did not set limits.
9. You were rejected by peers, or felt different.

What we need to thrive
- Basic safety (abandonment, mistrust and abuse)
- Connection to others (emotional deprivation and social exclusion, childhood deprivation: nurturance, empathy, and guidance)
- Autonomy (dependence and vulnerability)
- Self-Esteem (defectiveness and failure)
- *Self-Expression (subjugation and unrelenting standards)
- Realistic Limits (Entitlement, opposite of self-expression, tend to be blame others, believe other people have problems, not them)