Breathe Deeply

Breathe big. Let it all in. Expand your fabulous belly. Who cares if your jeans feel too tight? Here's an idea: buy a roomier pair! Deep, full breaths, invigorate you. They release sadness and allow ecstasy to flood in. Pause. Inhale a long... slow....big....delicious breath. Exhale, remember, whenever the going gets tough, take a deep breath and trust that you are capable of greatness.

The 10 Habits of Highly Successful Women

1. Authentic Emotional Correctness. We have more in common than differences. Differences are important, but they are not the sum total of what defines us. 
• Aristotle said persuasion is dependent on the character of the person doing the persuading. You have to be likable. Projecting kindness and warmth. People like feeling liked. The more successful a women is, the less likable they are. Dial up emotional correctness even more. Begin with warmth, facilitate trust and absorption of ideas. Human beings first. Disagree with a big smile on my face. Genuine smile. Authentic connection with your audience. Validating (accept others feelings) is not agreeing. Connect first then convince. Listen with an open heart and open mind. You can't fake emotional correctness. Greatest leader has a willingness to follow. Greatest persuaders have a willingness to listen. Choose to be compassionate in the face of injustice. Goal of entertaining is to make the guests feel good.
2. Never tell anyone your age
• Society uses age to define worth. Young women are viewed as naive, lazy or inexperienced. Older women faces equal employment opportunity.
• Time saver. People will judge. Young women who are in senior positions in the digital world may not be taken seriously.
• Read everything you can with a hunger about everything you want to know. Don't let I didn't know be your excuse. 
• A blog can't grow on a vacuum. 
• Embrace Networking (Twitter, 2 - way interaction with just about anyone)
• Cold email, worst that can happen is a no reply.
• Networking - Meeting people, making friends. It's not everything, it is the only thing.
• Get confident about self promotion.
• People give you the amount of respect you show yourself. 
3. Starting from the bottom. 
• Confident I could figure things out on the fly. Trust my gut and instinct. 
• Have a solid plan B all the time. Ejector seat and I way to ensure you can always pay your bills. I can always waitress. I can always find a bank job.
• Resiliency and elbow grease would go a long way.
• If you work hard enough then you could make everything work. Use not so glamorous jobs as a stop gap to figure out what you want to do.
• Learn to adapt and react in any kind of situation.
• Working in restaurants requires long hours, hard work, openness to experiences, poise.
• You wont know what the job you'll be happiest look like when you first start out.
• You already know so much. You already know enough to do the job you want to do. You can always learn more and be willing to learn more. Learn to mimic. 
• Learn to ask for help when you need it.
• Lock up your ego so you can pick up new skills.
• Help and collaborate with colleagues
• Intellectually curious people, working with new ideas, not a title.
• Put in the work to make something happen. Be willing to work hard for the experience. 
• So, what else do you do? Don't underestimate anyone.
• Confidence I can handle anything thrown my way. And figure it out.
4. Will the lady in the bubble please let the cat out of the bag
• remove obstacles that keep them from enjoying their lives.
• the harder it is, the better they feel
• crazy busy meant in demand is not a price you must pay. 
• Say No Thank YOU! It will make life easier. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
• You can tell what some one wants to do. Because that's what they are doing.
• People can tell you what to believe. But they can't force you to believe it.
• If you think a person is normal, you don't know them well enough
• Find people who is weird and compatible with you.
• Have boundaries when people disappoint you.
5. Controlled Burn
• Controlled fire stimulates grass growth
• Walking away is the easy part.

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Reinventing your Life: 17. A Philosophy of Change

Seven Basic Assumptions

1. We all have a part of ourselves that wants to be happy and fulfilled. (aka self actualization)
2. There are several basic "needs" or desires that will lead most of us to be happier if they are satisfied: The need to relate and feel connected to other people; the need for independence, for autonomy; the need to feel desirable, competent, successful, attractive, worthwhile; the need to express what we want and feel to others; the need for pleasure, fun, creativity - to pursue interests and activities that gratify us; the need to help others, to show concern and love. 
3. People can change in very basic ways. Changing core patterns is extremely difficult. Our inherited temperament, along with our early family and peer experiences, create very powerful forces that act against change, they do not make change impossible. The more destructive these early forces, the harder we will have to work to change life traps.
4. We have strong tendencies to resist core change. It is highly unlikely that we will change basic life traps without making a conscious decision to do so.
5. Most of us have strong inclinations to avoid pain. We avoid facing situations and feelings that cause us pain, even when confronting them might lead to growth. In order to modify core life traps, we must be willing to face painful memories that stir up emotions like sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. We must be willing to face situations we have avoided much of our lives because we fear they will result in failure, rejection, or humiliation. Unless we face these painful memories and situations, we are doomed to repeat patterns that hurt us. We must commit ourselves to facing pain in order to change.
6. We do not believe that any one technique or approach to change will be successful for all people.

Creating a personal vision

Change is not just the absence of life traps. We must each discover who we want to be and what we want from life. It is vital to have this direction before going too far along the change process. Look beyond the elimination of your individual life traps to an image of what will lead you final to feel fulfilled, happy, and self-actualized.

Many of us go through life with only a fuzzy sense of where we are going. This explains why many of us reach middle-age or retirement feeling disappointed and disillusioned. We need a broad set of overriding goals to guide us. The eleven life traps are obstacles to reaching our goals, they do not tell us what each of us uniquely needs to be happy. Once you develop a set of life goals, you can begin to plan specific steps to get there. Approach change in a strategic way, not haphazardly.

You must discover your natural inclination, which includes those interests, relationships, and activities that inherently lead us to feel fulfilled. Each person has an innate set of personal preferences. Our best clues to recognizing natural inclinations are our emotions and our bodily sensations. When we engage in activities or relationships that fulfill our natural inclinations, we feel good. Our body is content and we experience pleasure or joy.

We must find out what makes us happy, without relying solely on what makes the people around us happy. 

One

What is your vision of relationships that you want in your life? Clarify the ways you want to connect to other people. Consider intimate relationships. What kind of intimate relationship do you want? What is most important to you - passion and romance, a companion, a family? What are your goals in finding a partner? How important is emotional closeness to you compared to sexual excitement?

Relationships are almost a trade-off. What is most important to you in choosing a partner? What are the less important qualities that would be nice, but you would do without if you had to.

What kind of social relationships do you want? What kind of friends? How involved do you want to be in a social "scene?" How committed do you want to be to groups in the community? Do you want to participate in church? Do you want to be involved in the running of schools or in local government? Do you want to participate in support groups? How much do you want to socialize with people at work?

Emotional Deprivation, Mistrust and Abuse, Abandonment and Social Exclusion life traps are the biggest blocks to developing the kind of relationships you want in your life. Conquering these life traps will allow you to connect to people on a deeper and more satisfying level. Your relationship vision will guide you in fighting these life traps.

Two

What is the optimal level of independence for you? Autonomy gives you the freedom to seek out healthy relationships, and to avoid or leave unhealthy ones. You are free to stay in a relationship because you want to stay, not because you need to. Dependence or Vulnerability are the greatest blocks to developing a healthy level of autonomy.

Autonomy involves developing a sense of identity. You are free to be who you uniquely are. You will not lose yourself in relationships, living your partner's life instead of your own.

Three

Self esteem provides a context of freedom. The defectiveness and failure life traps are blocks to attaining self esteem. Choose a life that enhances your self-esteem. How can you strive to feel good about yourself, to accept yourself without being overly self-punitive or insecure? What are your strengths and how can you develop them? What are the weaknesses that you can correct?

Four

Self assertion and self expression involves asking to have your own needs met and expressing your feelings. Asserting yourself enables you to follow your natural inclinations and get pleasure out of life. In what ways can you express who you are? Subjugation and Unrelenting Standards are blocks to self assertion. Passion, creativity, playfulness and fun can help make life worth living. It is important to be able to let go sometimes, to include excitement and pleasure in your life. Life feels heavy if you ignore self assertion and self expression. Change involves allowing yourself to fulfill your own basic needs and inclinations, without unnecessarily hurting those around you.

Five

Concern for others is one of the most gratifying aspects of life. Learn to give to other people and to empathize with them. Entitlement may keep you from showing concern for the people around you. It feels good to make a contribution. Social involvement, charity, having children and giving to children, helping your friends, these involve connection to something greater than yourself and your individual life. How can you contribute ego the world at large? Many religious experience provide this added dimension and fulfillment.

Goals of life are probably universal: love, self-expression, pleasure, freedom, spirituality, giving to others - this is what most of us want. However these goals often collide. For example, passion may conflict with stability, autonomy with intimacy, self-expression with concern for others. Set priorities and choose the balance that feels right for you. 

Empathic self confrontation

Show compassion for yourself, while continually pushing yourself to change. Be understanding of your limitations and flaws. Remember the origins of your life traps and try to empathize with yourself when you were a child.

No matter how damaged you were as a child, this does not excuse you from taking responsibility for change. Childhood pain explains why change is so difficult and takes so long; it does not explain why someone allows destructive patterns to continue without working hard to alter them.

Have faith. Be patient. Some changes cannot be accomplished in small steps. They require a leap of faith, a high level of risk. Sometimes we met make major changes in order to grow. These include leaving a relationship switching careers, or moving to another city. You may have to surrender the of childhood patterns in order to grow into the adult you want to be.

Enlisting the help of others

It is going to be difficult for you to change without the help of some person who can see you clearly and realistically, because you will have trouble seeing your own distortions.

Unfortunately, turning to family and friends may not be an option for you. You may not have close family and friends or they may be too disturbed themselves to be of much help to you. Often family members reinforce your life traps, rather than help you change. If this is the case, consider seeking professional help.

Reinventing your Life: 16. "I can have whatever I want", the entitlement life trap

Entitlement Questionnaire

1. I have trouble accepting "no" for an answer.
2. I get angry when I cannot get what I want.
3. I am special and should not have to accept normal constraints.
4. I put my needs first
5. I have a lot of difficulty getting myself to stop drinking, smoking, overeating, or other problem behaviors.
6. I cannot discipline myself to complete boring or routine tasks.
7. I act on impulses and emotions that get me into trouble later.
8. If I cannot reach a goal, I become easily frustrated and give up
9. I insist that people do things my way
10. I have trouble giving up immediate gratification to reach a long-range goal.

Three types of Entitlement

1. Spoiled Entitlement - You are indifferent to normal social expectations and consider yourself above the law. You believe other people should be punished when they violate social norms, but you should not be punished.
2. Dependent Entitlement - When someone fails to take care of you, you feel like a victim. You feel weak and vulnerable. You need help, and people must give it to you.
3. Impulsive - You act on your desires and feelings without regard for the consequences.

Origins of Entitlement

Weak Limits: Parents fail to exercise sufficient discipline and control over their children. Children are given whatever they want, whenever they want it. They are not forced to take responsibility and complete assigned tasks. Parents allow children to act out impulses such as anger, without imposing sufficient negative consequences.

Dependent Overindulgence: overindulge their children in ways that make the children dependent on them. The environment is so safe and protected and so little is expected of the child that the child comes to demand this level of care.

Counterattack for other life traps: overcompensation for other core life traps: Defectiveness, Emotional Deprivation, Social Exclusion.


Danger Signals in Partners

Spoiled Entitlement: attracted to partners who

1. Sacrifice their own needs for yours.
2. Allow you to control them
3. Are afraid to express their own needs and feelings
4. Are willing to tolerate abuse, criticism, etc
5. Allow you to take advantage of them
6. Do not have a strong sense of self, and allow themselves to live through you.
7. Are dependent on you, and accept domination as the price of being dependent.

Dependent Entitlement: You are drawn to strong partners who are competent and willing to take care of you.

Impulsivity: Drawn to partners who are organized, disciplined, compulsive, etc, and who thus offset your own tendency toward chaos and disorganization.

Spoiled Entitlement Life trap

1. You do not care about the needs of the people around you You get your needs met at their expense. You hurt them.
2. You may abuse, humiliate, or demean the people around you.
3. You have difficulty empathizing with the feelings of those around you. They feel you do not understand or care about their feelings.
4. You may take more from society than you give. This results in an inequity and is unfair to other people.
5. At work, you may be fired, demoted, etc for failing to follow rules.
6. Your partner, family, friends, or children may leave you, resent you, or cut off contact with you because you treat them abusively, unfairly, or selfishly.
7. You may get into legal or criminal trouble if you cheat or break laws, such as tax evasion or business fraud.
8. You never have a chance to experience the joy of giving to other people unselfishly - or of having a truly equal, reciprocal relationship.
9. If your Entitlement is a form of counterattack, you never allow yourself to face and solve your underlying life traps. Your real needs are never addressed. You may continue to feel emotionally deprived, defective, or socially undesirable.

Dependent Entitlement Lifetraps

1. You never learn to take care of yourself, because you insist that others take care of you.
2. You unfairly impinge on the rights of people close to you to use their own time for themselves. Your demands become a drain on the people around you.
3. People you depend on may eventually become fed up or angry with your dependence and demands, and will leave you, fire you, or refuse to continue helping you.
4. The people you depend on may die or leave, and you will be unable to take care of yourself.

Impulsivity Lifetraps

1. You never complete tasks necessary to make progress in your career. You are a chronic underachiever, and eventually feel inadequate as a result of your failures.
2. The people around you may eventually get fed up with you.
3. Your life is in chaos. You cannot discipline yourself sufficiently well to have direction and organization. You are therefore stuck.
4. You may have difficulty with addictions, such as drugs, alcohol, or overeating.
5. In almost every area of your life you lack of discipline prevents you from achieving your goals
6. You may not have enough money to get what you want in life.
7. You may have gotten into trouble with authorities at school, with police, or at work because you cannot control your impulses.
8. You may have alienated your friends, spouse, children, or bosses, through your anger and explosiveness.

The issue of motivation to change being low is a big one with the Entitlement life trap. Unlike the other life traps, this does not feel painful. Rather, it seems to feel good. It is the people around you who are in pain.

Helping yourself overcome entitlement problems

1. List the advantages and disadvantages of not accepting limits. This is crucial to motivate yourself to change.
2. Confront the excuses you use to avoid accepting limits.
3. List the various ways that your limits problem manifests itself in everyday life. 
4. Make flashcards to help you fight your Entitlement and self-discipline problems in each situation.
5. Ask for feedback as you try to change.
6. Try to empathize with the people around you. Work on empathizing without getting defensive.
7. If your life trap is a form of counterattack, try to understand the core life traps underlying it. Follow the relevant change techniques. Your Entitlement is all or nothing. Either you get everything you want or you are deprived; either you are perfect or you are defective; either you are adored or you are rejected. You need to learn that there is a middle ground, that you can get your needs met in a normal way. 
8. If you have self-discipline problems, make a hierarchy of tasks, graded in terms of boredom or frustration level. Gradually work your way up the hierarchy.
9. If you have difficulty controlling your emotions, develop a "time-out" technique. Do not attack the person. State what the person has done that upsets you.
10. If you have Dependent Entitlement, make a hierarchy of tasks, graded in terms of difficulty. Gradually start doing the things you allow other people to do for you. Start proving to yourself that you are competent.

Writing an entitlement flashcard

1. Tune into the needs of the people around you. Try to understand how they are feeling. Empathize.
2. Aim towards reciprocity, fairness, and equity as principles to guide your actions with others.
3. Ask yourself if your immediate need is important enough to risk the negative consequences (e.g. alienating friends, losing your job)
4. Learn to tolerate frustration as a means to achieving your long range goals. As the saying goes, "No pain, no gain"

Find appropriate ways of getting your ore needs met - ways that respect the rights and needs of others. You do not have to be so demanding, controlling, and entitled to get what you want. Give up your counterattacks. Start placing emphasis on intimate relationships, on trying to get your needs met through closeness with other people. Learn to ask for what you want without demanding it. Try being more honest with yourself. Be more open about who you are. Learn to say who you are, without trying to cover up, conceal, or impress.


Helping someone you know overcome limits problems

1. Identify your sources of leverage. What do you have that he/she values? your respect? money? job? love?
2. How far you are willing to go to get change? Would you be willing to leave your partner? Fire an employee?
3. Approach the entitled person and express your complaints in a non-attacking way. Ask if he/she is aware of how you feel. Is he/she willing to work on changing?
4. If he/she is willing, go through the other steps in this chapter together.
5. If he/she is unreceptive, tell him/her the consequences if he/she will not try to change. Try to setup a hierarchy of negative consequences. Begin to implement them one at a time, until the entitled person is willing to work with you. Try to empathize with how hard it is for I'm/her o change, but remain firm.
6. Remember that it is often impossible to get someone with this life trap to change. If you do not have enough leverage, you will probably be unsuccessful. Be prepared to accept the price of carrying through on your decision to push for change. Make a list of advantages and disadvantages of pushing for change by risking conflict and possibly ending your relationship. Make an informed choice.

Demonstrations of hurt are almost useless with an entitled person.

Studies have shown that the more distressed patients display when they come to therapy, the more likely they are to change. Until you overcome your entitlement, you will never fulfill your potential for love and work.

Reinventing your Life: 15. "It's never quite good enough", the unrelenting standards life trap

unrelenting standards questionnaire

1. I cannot accept second best. I have to be the best at most of what I do.
2. Nothing I do is quite good enough.
3. I strive to keep everything in perfect order.
4. I must look my best at all times.
5. I have so much to accomplish that I have no time to relax.
6. My personal relationships suffer because I push myself so hard.
7. My health suffers because I put myself under so much pressure.
8. I deserve strong criticism when I make a mistake.
9. I am very competitive.
10. Wealth and status are very important to me.

The primary feeling is pressure. You can never relax and enjoy life. You are always pushing to get ahead.

Physical stress such as IBS and headaches are common. You might have high blood pressure, ulcers, colitis, insomnia, fatigue, panic attacks, heart arrhythmias, obesity, back pain, skin problems, arthritis, asthma, etc. 

For you, life is only doing. Life is having to work or achieve all the time. You feel constantly frustrated and irritated with yourself for not meeting your standards. You may feel chronically angry, with high levels of anxiety. A major anxiety is time.

Three types of unrelenting standards

1. Compulsive. Everything has to be perfect. Your surroundings are disappointing or you may blame yourself for your surroundings. Need to feel in control. 
2. Achievement Orientated. Workaholic. Any form of activity that you turn into work and enslaves you.
3. Status Oriented. Excessive emphasis on gaining recognition, status, wealth, beauty - a false self.

The origins of unrelenting standards

1. Your parent's love for you was conditional on your meeting high standards.
2. One or both parents were models of high, unbalanced standards.
3. Your unrelenting standards developed as a way to compensate for feelings of defectiveness, social exclusion, deprivation, or failure.
4. One or both parents used shame or criticism when you failed to meet high expectations.

Unrelenting Standard Life traps

1. Your health is suffering because of daily stresses, such as over work - not only because of unavoidable life events.
2. The balance between work and pleasure feels lopsided. Life feels like constant pressure and work without fun.
3. Your whole life seems to revolve around success, status, and material things. You seem to have lost touch with your basic self and no longer know what really makes you happy.
4. Too much of your energy goes into keeping your life in order. You spend too much time keeping lists, organizing your life, planning, cleaning, and repairing, and not enough time being creative or letting go.
5. Your relationships with other people are suffering because so much time goes into meeting your own standards - working, being successful, etc.
6. You make other people feel inadequate or nervous around you because they worry about not being able to meet your high expectations of them.
7. You rarely stop and enjoy successes. You rarely savor a sense of accomplishment. Rather, you simply go on to the next task waiting for you.
8. You feel overwhelmed because you are trying to accomplish so much; there never seems to be enough time to complete what you have started.
9. Your standards are so high that you view many activities as obligations or ordeals to get through, instead of enjoying the process itself.
10. You procrastinate a lot. Because your standards make many tasks feel overwhelming, you avoid them.
11. You feel irritated or frustrated a lot because things and people around you do not meet your high standards.

You lose touch with your natural self. You are so focused on order, achievement, or status that you do not attend to your basic physical, emotional, and social needs.

You may want the perfect partner and be unable to settle for less. Once you are in a relationship, you can be extremely critical and demanding. You expect others (especially those closest to you) to live up to your standards. Without realizing it, you probably devalue them for not meeting the standards you set. These standards do not seem high to you, you feel your expectations are normal and justified.

You may be attracted to perfectionist partners or partners who are the opposite, relaxed and easygoing. 

Changing Unrelenting Standards

1. List the areas in which your standards may be unbalanced or unrelenting. (keeping things in order, cleanliness, work, money, creature comforts, beauty, athletic performance, popularity, status, fame, etc)
2. List the advantages of trying to meet these standards on a daily basis.
3. List the disadvantages of pushing so hard in these areas.
4. Try to conjure an image of what your life would be like without these pressures.
5. Understand the origins of your lifetrap.
6. Consider what the effects would be if you lowered your standards about 25 percent. You have to learn that it is possible to do something 80% or 70% and still do a very good job. Between perfection and failure there is a whole gray area.
7. Try to quantify the time you devote to maintaining your standards. Consider how important the goal is to your overall happiness, then allocate the most time to the areas of your life that are most important. Allot a reasonable amount of time to complete each task; then accept whatever level of achievement you have attained at the end of that time period.
8. Try to determine what reasonable standards are by getting a consensus or objective opinion from people who seem more balanced.
9. Gradually try to change your schedule or alter your behavior in order to get your deeper needs met. Learn to delegate.

Sample Advantages of unrelenting standards

1. I can buy what I want.
2. I feel special.
3. People are jealous of me and want what I have.
4. I can have almost any woman I want.
5. I move in desirable social circles
6. I make a lot of money
7. I am almost at the top of my field
8. I have won awards and prizes
9. My house looks almost perfect most of the time.
10. My house runs in an orderly way.
11. My performance level is high.

what good is a spotless house when you are running yourself ragged to keep it that way and resenting everyone who gets in your way? What good is a top-level job when it leaves no time in your life for pleasure and love? what good are your creature comforts when you are too exhausted to enjoy them?

Sample disadvantages of unrelenting standards

1. I am physically exhausted.
2. I don't have any fun
3. My marriage is suffering
4. I put too much pressure on my children. I don't enjoy being with my children. They seem afraid of me.
5. I've let a lot of close friendships go
6. I don't have any time for myself
7. My health is suffering
8. I am not happy.

Sample flashcard

I can lower my standards without having to feel like a failure. I can do things moderately well, feel good about them, and not have to keep trying to perfect them."

Let go of your need for perfect order, achievement, or status in exchange for a higher quality of life and more fulfilling emotional relationships with the people you love.

Reinventing your Life: 14. "I always do it your way!", the Subjugation life trap

Subjugation questionnaire

1. I let other people control me.
2. I am afraid that if I do not give in to other people's wishes they will retaliate, get angry, or reject me.
3. I feel the major decisions in my life were not really my own.
4. I have a lot of trouble demanding that other people respect my rights.
5. I worry a lot about pleasing people and getting their approval.
6. I go to great lengths to avoid confrontations.
7. I give more to other people than I get back in return.
8. I feel the pain of other people deeply, so I usually end up taking care of the people I'm close to.
9. I feel guilty when I put myself first.
10. I am a good person because I think of others more than of myself.

You experience the world in terms of control issues. Other people in your life always seem to be in control - you feel controlled by the people around you. At the core of your subjugation is the conviction that you must please others, that you must please parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teachers, lovers, spouses, bosses, coworkers, children, and even strangers. The only person you do not feel obliged to please - is yourself.

You feel trapped in your life. It is constantly meeting the needs of others with so much responsibility. Life loses its joy and freedom. You are passive. Life happens to you.

Two types of subjugation

1. Self-sacrifice (subjugation out of guilt, want to relieve the pains of others)
2. Submissiveness (subjugation out of fear, anticipate rejection, retaliation, or abandonment)

At one time, your subjugation really was involuntary: as a child. A child cannot withstand the threat of punishment or abandonment. But as an adult, you are no longer dependent and helpless. As an adult, you have a choice.

When your needs constantly are frustrated, anger is inevitable. You might feel you are used or controlled, or people are taking advantage of you, or you might feel your needs do not count.

Anger is a vital part of healthy relationships. It is a signal that something is wrong - that the other person may be doing something unfair. Ideally, anger motivates us to become more assertive and correct the situation. When anger produces this effect, it is adaptive and helpful. 

Although there may be times when you display your anger directly, it is more common for you to express it indirectly, in a disguised fashion - passive-aggressively. You get back at people in subtle ways, like procrastinating, being late, or talking about them behind their backs. 

passive-aggressive behaviors - procrastinating, talking behind other people's backs, agreeing to do something and not following through, making excuses - all share the feature that they irritate other people, but it is difficult for other people to know whether the passive-aggressive person intends the irritation. Until you become more assertive, anger will continue to be a significant problem for you, even if you are not always aware of its harmful consequences.

Some people with subjugation learn to cope through counterattack. They become aggressive and domineering. By rebelling, they overcompensate for their feelings of subjugation. Rebels are not actually any more free than other subjugated people. They do not freely choose their interests or relationships; choices are made for them by the people they are rebelling against. "Why did the teenagers cross the road?" - "Because somebody told them not to"

You may have suppressed your own needs so often that you are no longer aware of what they are. You may have great difficulty identifying your own feelings and finds many of your inner states confusing.

Origins of the subjugation lifetrap

1. Your parents tried to dominate or control almost every aspect of your life.
2. Your parent(s) punished, threatened, or got angry at you when you would not do things their way.
3. Your parent(s) withdrew emotionally or cut off contact with you if you disagreed with them about how to do things.
4. Your parent(s) did not allow you to make your own choices as a child.
5. Because your mother/father was not around enough, or was not capable enough, you ended up taking care of the rest of the family.
6. Your parent(s) always talked to you about their personal problems, so that you were always in the role of listener.
7. Your parent(s) made you feel guilty or selfish if you would not do what they wanted.
8. Your parent(s) were like martyrs or saints - they selfessly took care of everyone else and denied their own needs.
9. You did not feel that your rights, needs, or opinions were respected when you were a child.
10. You had to be very careful about what you did or said as a child, because you worried about your mother's/father's tendency to become worried or depressed.
11. You often felt angry at your parent(s) for not giving you the freedom that other children had.

Danger signals in potential partners

1. Your partner is domineering and expects to have things his/her way.
2. Your partner has a very strong sense of self and knows exactly what he/she wants in most situations.
3. Your partner becomes irritated or angry when you disagree or attend to your own needs.
4. Your partner does not respect your opinions, needs, or rights.
5. Your partner pouts or pulls away from you when you do things your way.
6. Your partner is easily hurt or upset, so you feel you have to take care of him/her.
7. You have to watch what you do or say carefully because your partner drinks a lot or has a bad temper.
8. Your partner is not very competent or together, so you end up having to do a lot of the work.
9. Your partner is irresponsible or unreliable, so you have to be overly responsible and reliable.
10. You let your partner make most of the choices because most of the time you do not feel strongly one way or the other.
11. Your partner makes you feel guilty or accuses you of being selfish when you ask to do something your way.
12. Your partner becomes sad, worried, or depressed easily, so you end up doing most of the listening.
13. Your partner is very needy and dependent on you.

Subjugation lifetrap

1. You let other people have their own way most of the time.
2. You are too eager to please - you will do almost anything to be liked or accepted.
3. You do not like to disagree openly with other people's opinions.
4. You are more comfortable when other people are in position of control.
5. You will do almost anything to  avoid confrontation or anger. You always accommodate.
6. You do not know aht you want or prefer in many situations.
7. You are not clear about your career decisions.
8. You always end up taking care of everyone else - almost no one listens to or takes care of you.
9. You are rebellious  - you automatically say "no" when other people tell you what to do.
10. You cannot stand to say or do anything that hurts other people's feelings.
11. You often stay in situations where you feel trapped or where your needs are not met.
12. You do not want other people to see you as selfish so you go to the other extreme.
13. You often sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people.
14. You often take on more than your share of responsibilities at home and/or at work.
15. When other people are troubled or in pain, you try very hard to make them feel better, even at your own expense.
16. You often feel angry at other people for telling you what to do.
17. You often feel cheated - that you are giving more than you are getting back.
18. You feel guilty when you ask for what you want.
19. You do not stand up for your rights.
20. You resist doing what other people want you to do in an indirect way. You procrastinate, make mistakes, and make excuses.
21. You cannot get along with authority figures.
22. You cannot ask for promotions or raises at work.
23. You feel that you lack integrity - you accommodate too much.
24. People tell you that you are not aggressive or ambitious enough.
25. You play down your accomplishments.
26. You have trouble being strong in negotiations.

If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.

Subjugated people often work in one of the helping professions, particularly if they are self-sacrificing. You may be a doctor, nurse, homemaker, teacher, minister, therapist, or other kind of healer. one of the gifts of subjugation is acute sensitivity to the needs and pain of others.

Changing your subjugation lifetrap

1. Understand your childhood subjugation. Feel the subjugated child inside of you.
2. List everyday situations at home and at work in which you subjugate or sacrifice your own needs to others.
3. Start forming your own preferences and opinions in many aspects of your life: movies, foods, leisure time, politics, current controversial issues, time usage, etc. Learn about yourself and your needs. Make yourself the source of your opinions, not the people around you.
4. Make a list of what you do or give to others, and what they do or give to you. How much of the time do you listen to others? How much of the time do they listen to you?
5. Stop behaving passive-aggressively. Push yourself systematically to assert yourself - express what you need or want. Start with easy requests first.
6. Practice asking other people to take care of you. Ask for help. Discuss your problems. Try to achieve a balance between what you give and get.
7. Pull back from relationships with people who are too self-centered or selfish to take your needs into account. Avoid one-sided relationships. Change or get out of relationships where you feel trapped.
8. Practice confronting people instead of accommodating so much. Express your anger appropriately, as soon as you feel it. Learn to feel more comfortable when someone is upset, hurt or angry at you.
9. Do not rationalize your tendency to please others so much. Stop telling yourself that it doesn't really matter. Weigh the positives and negatives to decide which you prefer. Make a choice and communicate that choice.
10. Review past relationships and clarify your pattern of choosing controlling or needy partners. List the danger signals for you to avoid. If possible, avoid selfish, irresponsible, or dependent partners who generate very high chemistry for you.
11. When you find a partner who cares about your needs, ask your opinions and values them, and who is strong enough to do 50% of the work, give the relationship a chance.
12. Be more aggressive at work. Take credit for what you do. Do not let other people take advantage of you. Ask for any promotions or raises you might be entitled to get. Delegate responsibilities to other people.
13. (To the Rebel) Try to resist doing the opposite of what others tell you to do. Try to figure out what you want, and do it even if it is consistent with what authority figures tell you. Be more assertive instead of more aggressive.
14. Make flashcards. Use them to keep you on track.

The best way to feel the subjugated child is through imagery. Start with an instance in your current life, and try to remember far back into childhood. Do not force the image to come. Who were you with? Was it your mother or father? Was it your brother, sister, or a friend? Your anger is part of your healthy side. It serves a useful purpose. It may be your only clue that there is something else that you want.

Examples on steps to "un-subjugate"

1. Tell the paper boy to bring the paper to the door when it's raining.
2. Tell a salesperson I don't want help.
3. Don't give my children any more money than their allowance.
4. Ask Dennis to drive the children to school on mornings of my class.
5. Tell Dad he can't criticize the kids anymore in my presence.
6. Take a full day for myself. Do things I enjoy, like shopping, reading in the park, seeing my friends, etc.
7. Tell friend I am angry she is not pulling her share of the kids' carpool.
8. Tell Dennis how I feel when he criticizes me in front of other people.
9. Tell Dennis it is not acceptable for him to criticize me in front of other people when I haven't done anything wrong.
10. State my preferences instead of just giving in to others.

Work on each item on your list starting from the easier ones. Your goal is to complete each item. Do not get defensive when the other person attacks you. Do not get lost in defending yourself. Stick to your point. Be direct. Do not make a speech. No one can argue with your feelings. State how you feel.

Changing the way you behave with someone changes the way you feel about them. It is hard to remain intimidated after you have dealt with someone assertively. Changing your behavior changes the way you think and feel about yourself. Positive behavior change creates self-confidence and self-esteem. It builds a sense of mastery.

Whatever the other person does, keep calmly restating your position. Do not let the other person trick you into becoming defensive. Stick to your point. Stay calm. Do not yell and scream. You are more powerful when you are clam than when you are screaming. Screaming is a sign of psychological defeat. Try not to attack the person. Simply state what they have done that has upset you.

Start by saying something positive and true. People can only listen when they are in a receptive state. Direct your criticism not at the person, but at the person's behavior. Be assertive in your words, body language and tone of voice. Look the person directly in the eye.

Subjugated people frequently give up too soon on good relationships, claiming they are just not interested, the relationship does not feel right, something is missing, or there is not enough chemistry. As long as you feel some chemistry - even a moderate amount - give the relationship a chance. As you become more accustomed to your new role, the chemistry might increase.

Sample self-sacrifice Flashcard

I have the right to say "no" when people ask me to do unreasonable things. If I say "yes", I will only get angry at the other person and at myself. I can live with the guilt of saying "no". Even if I cause the other person a little pain, it will only be temporary. People will respect me if I say "no" to them. And I will respect myself.

Sample Submission Flashcard

What I want is important. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don't have to let Dennis treat me badly. I deserve better than that. I can stand up for myself. I can calmly demand that he treat me with respect or the discussion is over. If he can't grow enough to give me my equal rights in this relationship, then I can leave the relationship and find one that better suits my needs.

Give yourself credit when it is due. Change is much harder when you forget to reward yourself for the steps along the way. Try to keep looking back at how far you have come, rather than looking forward to how you have to go. When you make any change, no matter how small, take a moment to feel good about it. 

Subjugation feels right to you. Your lifetrap is central to your entire self-image and view of the world. It is going to fight very hard for survival. You find comfort and reassurance in holding onto your lifetrap, regardless of its negative consequences for your life. You should not be discouraged because change is slow.